What to do When You Know You are Dying

It was just a simple "indigestion", some occasional bloating. Then one day I woke up very ill.

Forty-four year old caucasian male, father of two boys, married, computer engineer, sole breadwinner of the family. Just a few months back he was the picture of perfect health: volunteer coach for the local youth baseball team, a regular at the gym. December 24, 2010 he was diagnosed with esophageal and stomach cancer, stage 4.

Things have changed drastically: he lost 180 lbs, he lost all his stomach [he had a complete gastrectomy] and part of his lower esophagus, he lost a lot of hours spending time for his treatments in the clinic and intermittent hospital admissions during nadir [the time when the blood counts drop very low], he lost his job ... he lost the life he used to have. Now, his life vibrates between doctors' clinic visits and the four walls of his hospital room. A very few days are spent in his house which he invested on as a present to his wife some 20 years ago.

But despite all the tragedy, this young man has no sign of remorse nor anger. While he was telling me his journey in the morbid valley called cancer, I could not help but shed a tear or two. This young person can be me or anyone I know! He spoke with strength and controlled emotion. He admits feeling very sad not for himself but for his wife and his children. Him and his wife work together to make things as subtle for their two boys as possible although he admits his younger one seem to be having quite a harder time accepting his illness.

He knows it's just a matter of time, his existence is quite uncertain. He said, the hardest thing for him to really sort out was the thought of what is he going to do in his last few days of life? He said it was hard because he had loads of things he wanted to do with his life and with his family, but with the circumstance he was in, he does not have enough time. So, what has he left to do?

He said he only has ONE thing to do and that is to make it up to his family the lost moments he sacrificed because of his work -- and don't we all? He said these are the best days he ever had in his life because he gets to see his wife and children every single day, unlike when he was so busy with his career, travelling left and right. He never really felt "anger" with his diagnosis, he felt more of "fear" of how his family will take it.

He said he never thought how he missed sleep and rest until he had to do so more quite often soon after his diagnosis. He said that his life is like a journey, sort of like a vacation that is just about to end and now he has to go back to where he really was from!

That's it, I had to excuse myself out of this conversation and had to quietly vent in the hallway. What he said really struck a chord in me, it hit very close to home. I would probably have the same answer but in a more hysterical dramatic way, as most females will usually do.

I too had cancer in 2003 [adrenocorticocarcinoma -- I know, it's a mouthful] and ever since then my outlook in life has changed. It made me appreciate what life has for me "today". When I was given the diagnosis, I thought, I was ready to "go die" because there was nothing left for me to do. I thought I had done enough. Then 2 years later, I my son Adam came in my life. Then the next year, it was my daughter Alliyah. So, now i have a handful of things to do before I'm ready to go.

But, have you thought of putting yourself in this young man's situation? What are you going to do when you know that you are dying?